Sunday, March 31, 2013

COMING CRISIS TO DISSOLVE AS KIM JONG UN AND OBAMA SPOTTED SNEAKING A BIG KISS



Thanks to a newly found willingness for peace, intelligence, and cooperation throughout the world, we have decided that delivering scary news, especially pieces about Vladimir Putin's bare chest, is no longer required. Starting tomorrow, we will start publishing sandwich recipes and gossip items pertaining to Mr. T.

Before we do, we'd like thank the following government agencies, groups and individuals for helping keep the Coming Crisis sloshed with disinformation these past years:

To the Central Intelligence Agency: We couldn't have done it without you! Those surface-to-arab missiles kept all the angries away while we covered a multitude of democracy spreading actions. Yay, Coca Cola!

To the Department of Homeland Security: Thanks for letting us lick our assault rifles one last time before you took them away. I agree, this fork makes me feel just as safe.

To the Mossad: I see you. I see you in the corner there. You big bunch of teddy bears, you. Is that wire for fishing? I've always wanted to snag a Mediterranean tuna.

To David Cameron: Did you just touch Clegg's behind? I saw that.

To the European Union: Lynsey will one day overthrow your evil empire and bake a cake from your crushed bones. Tea anyone?

To WND: Thank you for pointing out the dangers of Islam. This morning, I found no less than 34 muslims hiding in various parts of my house. A Quran and a nice cheese platter later, and I was able to scoot them off to the nearest garage sale.

To those leaving snotty remarks about our work: Nah, nah, nah-nah, nah! Who has the blog with millions of views and awesome readers? And who doesn't? Represent, home dawg. *Drops microphone on stage, adjusts du-rag and swaggers off*

To the Media: Thank you for keeping us abreast of the Christopher Dorner situation throughout its manifold stages of violence and terror, in your various roles:

CNN: "Christopher Dorner was shot during a gun battle at his mountain cabin."

MSNBC: "Christopher Dorner died when he set himself and his cabin on fire."

FOX: "He fell."

PARTY INSTRUCTIONS:

1. If you are a member of the LAPD, thank the black person next to you for waiting until all the white people refreshed the Coming Crisis home page before he did.

2. Do NOT feed the Palestinians if you hear them under the table. They may hurl rocks and/or demand freedom. Simply let them lick the plates after everyone leaves.

3. Subscribe to our Youtube channel immediately. Mostly documentaries and analyses, some burlesque. Lynsey handles the first two.

4. Remember: if you can afford children, you can afford to donate each month! We also except wills and funeral plots, preferably those in yards with a low goose population.

Alright, alright. In all seriousness, thank you all for yet another year of news and struggle. If you'd truly like to help us out and contribute, please click here.

To view the actual alert in progress regarding the North Korean situation, please click here. It is still very much in effect, but thought we could all use a touch of levity before that area of the world cascades into events unmentionable.

Take care and stay safe, everyone.